"it was way fun!"

"When something is good why would you change it?"

Like us? My mind is screaming but I don't want to ruin this moment. You've left the words to hang a little too long and we both realize the untold truth. Subject change and we're content. We're back to normal and you're laughing and I'm laughing and we're sharing a spoon because we're allowed to do that. And I'm trying to inch in without you noticing and you just pout "you know we can't do that" your eyes dance across the words and the fire in my skin chills. "I know" my heart saunters back to it's cage and let's you lock the door.

How can you sit there in this sun filled room and tell me you don't feel anything? You don't want anything? Every conversation leads to another and suddenly the time is past and I haven't asked you about your sister or your games and I don't know if there will be another afternoon to ask.

"when something is good why would you change it?" You said it yourself. Was I never your definition of good?

Different: Probably How She Feels.

"STOP CALLING ME.

I don't think you realize I'm moving on, and you're just making it awkward.
All these cliche love plots your using to land me on your doorstep are far from working.
I had a kick ass date last week and neither of the TWO dates you asked me on in our 10 MONTHS together could get close enough to clap for it.
He treats me well. Not that you were abusive, you just forgot that we had plans this weekend, a lot of times. (No it's fine, video games are much better than me anyways, right?)
We don't pass in the halls anymore. I have to go out of my way to see you and I just don't feel like it.
All of my friends are telling me to stop giving you the time of day.
I'm not following you on twitter and you keep asking if I saw your tweets. I don't care if they're funny, I don't want to see them.
When was the last time you really wanted to hang out before you were dumped? You didn't."


Some of it's lies and some of it's truth. I always wanted to see you but I guess I could have taken the time to take you out more. I don't want you to move on. I keep calling hoping it'll keep me on your mind long enough to forget you were trying to forget me. Maybe that's stupid too.Another cliche plot? I. Don't. Care.

Maybe this is how you feel, and maybe I'm wrong, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

"so hes with me to is that ok?"

You can kill anything really.

Spiders.
Fish.
Car engines.
Dreams.

I broke my foot once. That's like killing the bones, right? Or killing the space that held the bones. Killing the bonds?
Chemistry probably has a lot of killing too
"No Peter matter is always conserved. It can't just disappear into thin air." Thanks Wentz. I'll fix my theories.

When it comes down to it you can kill anything.


deer
confidence
Zits
Hopes. (Ask my ex about that one)
paper (fire)
fire
water (heat)

Rock Paper scissors is a vicious cycle of things fighting to live and living to kill.

You can kill anything really. So why did you pick me?

"nah i didn't want to go to pg!"

It's midnight on Valentines and I'm driving my gas tank dry.

I can't stand the thought of going home without you in my life, tonight. I called to say I love you  and I hung up before the consequences. In a way I think that makes me a coward, but I also think it makes me courage. You never called back, so I drove into the horizon, hoping you would.

"I Love You, Don't say anything, I just had to tell you so I could fall asleep tonight." Therapeutic almost. I'll admit I had teary eyes. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, maybe I don't know a thing about where I should have gone to buy you flowers and what reservations would sweep you off your feet, but I know a good thing when I've lost it. I know the center pieces to every puzzle of me.

The phone call went 'so well' that I gave up throwing pebbles at your window. I think your parents have caught us sneaking out enough to know it's a bad idea.

But if it would win you back I wouldn't run away from the consequences. 

"i just found out it was assembly schedule"

You expect too much of me. You think I have found love and here I will tell you the secret ingredient. but the truth is, I've lost love, and I never got a copy of the recipe.


Love is just the way I think I feel when I look at you.
Love is what I think I feel when you smile at my terrible jokes
I thought love was when I kissed you on the forehead and you dug further into my chest.
When I drove your car because you were scared of icy roads.
I thought it was going on that double with your stupid, trashy friends because it was important to you.

Or when I let you keep my sweatshirt for months, even though I only have two good ones.
I thought love was learning that song on the piano, because it was your favorite and you, for some reason, begged to hear me sing.

I guess I was scared because I think I meant it, but I'm not sure you did. and I thought you did. But you tossed it around like a dog does a bark. a ball in the park. stars in the dark.

and maybe i have it all backwards. Maybe when you find it, you're supposed to give it away. So everyone can know. So everyone can feel. But for me that was nails on a chalkboard. Married in the singles ward. Going into battle without a sword. A contestant who never wins awards. Sitting in English, BORED.

Maybe I wasn't ready to give it, or maybe I wasn't ready to buy into a useless lottery ticket. But I did. And it wrecked me like Miley on her ball. small spaces and being tall. leaves in the fall. waiting all night for no call.

I thought you felt it when we danced atop the asphalt in front of Zach's house, because neither of us were ready to leave each other for the night. I thought I felt it too.

I thought a lot of things about love, but I guess they were wrong, like 2 + 2 is three. Money grows on trees, BYUI let's you show your knees,Wrong like 'y' comes after 'z', and what I thought you thought of me.

"if I sleep now I won't sleep all night"

I've gotten in the habit of bashing you lately. and I'm sorry.

I just don't understand your reasoning sometimes and I'd like the world to agree with me.

When a break-up happens, everyone baby's the girl "Oh are you okay?" "How's it going?" "I'm so sorry"- I don't want you to be more of a victim  because I'm poisoning the atmosphere surrounding your name. I'm sorry I have nothing nice to say. I'm sorry, I don't know when I will. I'm sorry I let my temper get the best of me more than once in conversation.

An y'know? The more I trash it the more there isn't any room to come back. and 

 I want you to come back. 

I don't want anyone to think less of the orchestra that is your heart. I don't want my side stories spiraled with hate to ruin your allure. If this was Hollywood I'd have you black listed and I'd regret but there'd be no mend for the mess. Good thing this is just high school. Good thing no one's made a black list twitter account yet.

When we were little it didn't happen like this. 

Simplicity reigned. If someone was taking up too much room on the trampoline we'd both leave with clenched fists and crunched faces. But we'd realize quickly it was no fun to be alone. We'd all at once apologize. We'd go right back to the tramp and begin cracking the egg.

Missions and college and the social ladder didn't have any affect on relationships. 

And they didn't get in the way of friendships either.

So I don't know why they have to now. 

"5:12 is definietly afternoon!"

"no its all ok don't even worry about it." Are you mocking the only thing I know how to say to you?

You don't know I had an anxiety attack in third today, and you don't know I avoided you after school in fear of another.You don't even know that I started having anxiety attacks. But I wish you did.

You didn't tell me the gigantic news you've been accepted (with scholarship) out of state and you didn't care to tell me you were moving. You didn't even tell me goodbye. But I wish you did.

We haven't spoken face to face for five days, and we haven't smiled together for longer. And that may not seem like a big deal to you, But I wish we had.

But you're not a Genie, and I'm not Aladdin. And laughter is a stupid thing to wish for when you can have anything in the world. Right?



I'm beginning to fall into a rut where I just don't care anymore. I'd like to blame senioritis,but I know your absence is fraying my last motivations.

I've got a rambling brain and a painfully mute mouth.
 I've got chapters of our story to fill in but it's a collaboration and you're keeping your pages secret.
and I've got a headache because calculus is all about understanding the concept, but you're only giving me a conclusion and you refuse to expand. Mr. Smith keeps drilling it's important but how can it be important if I'm never going to use it in life?
I've got a lost puzzle piece of a soul and someone took the picture I'm trying to fit into away.
I've got bruises and incisions on the inside of my attitude.

and I've got coffee on my breath because bad habits seem to push you off my mind best.

"no its all ok don't even worry about it."

Human Tendencies

His eyes are animated as he leans in to whisper. He brushes her loose curls softly behind the ear. Her eyes find the ground, embarrassed, and she shivers, like she always does. I don't have to hear what he says to know, I've heard all the headlines. He'd like to take her to the dock, or to the balcony or out on the rowboat. "Works every time," He'd said in the locker room "Anyone is free to borrow my stock in genius, as long as they aren't chasing the same piece of tail." God he makes me  

sick. 

She nods up and down, then shivers again because she's nervous. Being nervous has caused shivers since the 8th grade.

I look around, music blaring, everywhere is filled with teenagers acting like fools for each others attention. No one seems to notice the two treading away.

I know that I have to stop her. I also know I wasn't supposed to be invited, much less tell the host he can't touch my lab partner. 

Come on Peter, be a knight in shining armor. Don't girls go crazy for that stuff? 
Great, he's giving her his jacket. I know girls go crazy for that stuff.

Time is taking it's final breaths as I stutter on the sidelines.

She has to know that all the stories are true. That all the games are reruns with the same rules and he  always wins. The dock is just another level, another dice roll, another slick move.

Before I can carve the cement from my feet the pawn and the king have closed out of my sight. 

I could have saved her from the heartache I would later watch fracture her soul. I could have stopped the writing. She didn't have to own such heavy pain. But I let her. And I blame my selfish human tendencies.