23.4.14
"I love oatmeal!"
Coming halfway through first and finding a decent parking spot.
Light that warms your insides like the sun warms your face.
Watermelon after an intense game of Burgess volleyball.
The intimacy of speaking with your mouth shut.
Like I'm falling with my eyes closed and the fear has left my body
A three pointer to put us into overtime for the state game.
Next to the fireplace during a winter storm.
Unlimited Sticky Fingers on fast Sunday.
A blanket right out of the dryer.
Safe.
These things are how you make me feel:
18.4.14
Sad Chairs
I'm still waiting for you to come to a game, Dad.
I never thought you'd miss my senior season.
16.4.14
"i never said that!"
It's been months and, I'm still waiting. You've got a new relationship and a great date for Prom and I'm. still. waiting. Hoping one of these days your alarm will go off and you'll realize even though I was nothing but wrong, we were always just right. That all the terrible times, they made us reach for light. That people look at us and they're on our side.
Won't you join in the fight?
We were the bindings on a favorite book of a library shelf, worn out but holding on for dear life because we were in charge of holding the world, together.
I've got my own dogeared chapters but they won't go down on paper the way most authors would like them too because if we could put our story in ink, we could end world hunger.
Hunger for food and hunger for love. Hunger to know there's something out there worth fighting for.
Aren't we worth fighting for?
The blinds are covered in dust and they're turned down so the window glass and me can't have conversation. I miss good conversation and I miss needing to lift those blinds so I could stare at the moon and think about you and tell you I saw your eyes dancing in the night sky again and watch for airplanes to pass with passengers flying their way to better places than they've been.
The window never did anything wrong, but since you're gone I don't feel like I have much to say to him. He's like a mirror I don't want to face, cause I can't take what's looking back alone. White framed hanging and waiting for someone to notice the cracks that I should have fixed last summer. but I was so selfish with my time then. I didn't know minutes were shared on a family plan or that I used too many borrowed days.
I loved you in too many ways.
There were waterfalls and cliffs. Excuses and explanations. The doorknob always seemed to turn slower to the world but faster to our hands. I never wanted to leave your side because shooting stars only last so long and somewhere over the ocean there's a missing plane and how can something just fall off the maps? I never wanted a phone call telling me extraordinary was missing. I held your hand as long as I could because tomorrow was just a joke we told again and again.
I never understood the punchline.
D.I. sells trophies and more than once I've thought about buying you an award for the greatest just woke up hair and the worst just woke up smile. You have too much sunshine in your hands to dance on the pier after curfew and maybe that's why we always got caught. I led the cops straight to your door when you told me you had the world figured out;
Money never was your thing and that's not to say you didn't have it, you just didn't budget. You didn't plan out ahead so you wouldn't be left on the sidewalk the day before the wedding hoping to pay for the honeymoon you already bought on the credit cards you should never have used.
Maybe living paycheck to paycheck is easier than crumbling security. I guess you'd know better than I.
That must be why you're so fond of street shows and vendors and anything besides that bloody museum I tried to talk you into in New York City. I never could see the sidewalk music for more than pretty. You saw deep sea fishing and ice skating in Alaska on every note of every harmony of every song you'd never heard played just that exact way before. You said the straggly beards and the alcohol tainted voices opened your eyes to the mask the radio made for the masquerade.
I held on for too many days.
Won't you join in the fight?
We were the bindings on a favorite book of a library shelf, worn out but holding on for dear life because we were in charge of holding the world, together.
I've got my own dogeared chapters but they won't go down on paper the way most authors would like them too because if we could put our story in ink, we could end world hunger.
Hunger for food and hunger for love. Hunger to know there's something out there worth fighting for.
Aren't we worth fighting for?
The blinds are covered in dust and they're turned down so the window glass and me can't have conversation. I miss good conversation and I miss needing to lift those blinds so I could stare at the moon and think about you and tell you I saw your eyes dancing in the night sky again and watch for airplanes to pass with passengers flying their way to better places than they've been.
The window never did anything wrong, but since you're gone I don't feel like I have much to say to him. He's like a mirror I don't want to face, cause I can't take what's looking back alone. White framed hanging and waiting for someone to notice the cracks that I should have fixed last summer. but I was so selfish with my time then. I didn't know minutes were shared on a family plan or that I used too many borrowed days.
I loved you in too many ways.
There were waterfalls and cliffs. Excuses and explanations. The doorknob always seemed to turn slower to the world but faster to our hands. I never wanted to leave your side because shooting stars only last so long and somewhere over the ocean there's a missing plane and how can something just fall off the maps? I never wanted a phone call telling me extraordinary was missing. I held your hand as long as I could because tomorrow was just a joke we told again and again.
I never understood the punchline.
D.I. sells trophies and more than once I've thought about buying you an award for the greatest just woke up hair and the worst just woke up smile. You have too much sunshine in your hands to dance on the pier after curfew and maybe that's why we always got caught. I led the cops straight to your door when you told me you had the world figured out;
no one can have the world figured out.
I could reach out and touch the horizon but in Alpine my hands will only ever hit the mountains. They make a beautiful frame for a picture you know like the back of your hand but you redid the color scheme and the frame doesn't match the wallpaper and the picture doesn't match the theme. I don't want to be the mountains in a room for an businessman but I don't want you conquering wall street without me.
I could reach out and touch the horizon but in Alpine my hands will only ever hit the mountains. They make a beautiful frame for a picture you know like the back of your hand but you redid the color scheme and the frame doesn't match the wallpaper and the picture doesn't match the theme. I don't want to be the mountains in a room for an businessman but I don't want you conquering wall street without me.
Money never was your thing and that's not to say you didn't have it, you just didn't budget. You didn't plan out ahead so you wouldn't be left on the sidewalk the day before the wedding hoping to pay for the honeymoon you already bought on the credit cards you should never have used.
Maybe living paycheck to paycheck is easier than crumbling security. I guess you'd know better than I.
That must be why you're so fond of street shows and vendors and anything besides that bloody museum I tried to talk you into in New York City. I never could see the sidewalk music for more than pretty. You saw deep sea fishing and ice skating in Alaska on every note of every harmony of every song you'd never heard played just that exact way before. You said the straggly beards and the alcohol tainted voices opened your eyes to the mask the radio made for the masquerade.
I held on for too many days.
9.4.14
"amd they caught me on it!"
Does anyone even care anymore?
Because crutches don't work on a broken heart. You can't cast it up and tell me not to use it for 6 weeks. It won't heal.
I watched the tiny brunette break the boy's nose, and the dark haired exotic break the ribs,
but the blonde, your blonde, went straight for the heart. The trainer on sight was not equipped with the right bandages or even the right vocabulary tests to teach her how to deal with the phenomena.
They gave me rest as a prescription, but all this time I'm staring at the ceiling with eyes glued to the idea that waking up from the dreams is harder than sleeping without them. Thinking leads to aching. I think we need a different surgeon, because guess what: IT STILL HURTS.
Crackers and soup. Netflix. More sleep. Moving on with your life. Kissing a thousand new girls. Melatonin. Ibuprofen. People think they're doctors but they don't know how to deal with a disease plagued civilization.
Even in my new life, you're my motivation; to do better, to hit harder, to win stronger, it's always on you. Because I'd like to show you what you're missing, or maybe make you miss what I'm showing. Maybe it's supposed to impress you or remind you you've lost something worth making spare key for. Maybe I'm just as bad as the PHD's and labcoats that claim to have 8 years worth of learning what to do.
The broken nose: We're waiting for the swelling to go down before they reset it.
The Ribs: He's on medication and he's counting down until he can start lifting.
My Heart: I'll let you know when we find someone who knows the length of a real recovery.
Because crutches don't work on a broken heart. You can't cast it up and tell me not to use it for 6 weeks. It won't heal.
I watched the tiny brunette break the boy's nose, and the dark haired exotic break the ribs,
but the blonde, your blonde, went straight for the heart. The trainer on sight was not equipped with the right bandages or even the right vocabulary tests to teach her how to deal with the phenomena.
They gave me rest as a prescription, but all this time I'm staring at the ceiling with eyes glued to the idea that waking up from the dreams is harder than sleeping without them. Thinking leads to aching. I think we need a different surgeon, because guess what: IT STILL HURTS.
Crackers and soup. Netflix. More sleep. Moving on with your life. Kissing a thousand new girls. Melatonin. Ibuprofen. People think they're doctors but they don't know how to deal with a disease plagued civilization.
Even in my new life, you're my motivation; to do better, to hit harder, to win stronger, it's always on you. Because I'd like to show you what you're missing, or maybe make you miss what I'm showing. Maybe it's supposed to impress you or remind you you've lost something worth making spare key for. Maybe I'm just as bad as the PHD's and labcoats that claim to have 8 years worth of learning what to do.
The broken nose: We're waiting for the swelling to go down before they reset it.
The Ribs: He's on medication and he's counting down until he can start lifting.
My Heart: I'll let you know when we find someone who knows the length of a real recovery.
1.4.14
"i'll favorite it when i get my ipod back"
I've been counting the days since you left, 70, and I don't know when I'll get tired of more links on my chain.
#AprilFools
You smiled in the hallways and it was almost a cruel joke for you to pass such a secret to me under the hidden canvas of people and backpacks and language unhearable.
#AprilFools
I've got news for you that only you can appreciate. I've got a need for your smile to smile itself at the exchange only your smile can smile at.
#AprilFools
Because this day is dragging on and you have yet to show up with an April Fools joke about loving me again and I wish you would.
I wish you would.
Pain is a feeling and right now all I've got is numb. I've got open eyelids and a dark ceiling because sleep is merely a memory to my brain and the covers that once held us both feel cold without your touch. Not the good kind of cold either, the winter came back when I'd stopped waking up early enough to scrape my car, cold. The icy can't feel my hands on the handlebars, cold. The climbed out of the pool because of lightening and standing alone without a towel, cold.
An April Fools day without my favorite joker, cold.
I've been replaced by the tall dark and handsome, and a simple soul with much more to give than I.
#AprilFools
I've realized I never plugged in the charger, as much as I tried to save us all I did was drain us.
#AprilFools
List after list, pile after pile, note after note, poem after poem, you can't find the key I left for you under the door mat.
#AprilFools
I wish I were better at April Fools jokes, but all I've got is truth.
and not the good kind either.
#AprilFools
#AprilFools
You smiled in the hallways and it was almost a cruel joke for you to pass such a secret to me under the hidden canvas of people and backpacks and language unhearable.
#AprilFools
I've got news for you that only you can appreciate. I've got a need for your smile to smile itself at the exchange only your smile can smile at.
#AprilFools
Because this day is dragging on and you have yet to show up with an April Fools joke about loving me again and I wish you would.
I wish you would.
Pain is a feeling and right now all I've got is numb. I've got open eyelids and a dark ceiling because sleep is merely a memory to my brain and the covers that once held us both feel cold without your touch. Not the good kind of cold either, the winter came back when I'd stopped waking up early enough to scrape my car, cold. The icy can't feel my hands on the handlebars, cold. The climbed out of the pool because of lightening and standing alone without a towel, cold.
An April Fools day without my favorite joker, cold.
I've been replaced by the tall dark and handsome, and a simple soul with much more to give than I.
#AprilFools
I've realized I never plugged in the charger, as much as I tried to save us all I did was drain us.
#AprilFools
List after list, pile after pile, note after note, poem after poem, you can't find the key I left for you under the door mat.
#AprilFools
I wish I were better at April Fools jokes, but all I've got is truth.
and not the good kind either.
#AprilFools
30.3.14
"awesome thank you!"
Lonely. Depressed.
I'd like to hold you and know that it will last until morning.
That the stars can pull and the moon can tug but this moment isn't the tide, it's not being controlled by anything beyond our atmosphere.
Jupiter's probably jealous and maybe this should be my space camp post but I've got too much going on to care about much more than the electricity in the way you say my name.
I'd like to hold you and know that it will last until morning.
That the stars can pull and the moon can tug but this moment isn't the tide, it's not being controlled by anything beyond our atmosphere.
Jupiter's probably jealous and maybe this should be my space camp post but I've got too much going on to care about much more than the electricity in the way you say my name.
At 6am I thought my alarm clock read G:0D. Maybe I was just tired but maybe he's been trying to wake me up for longer than I realize.
I know God has given me nothing but time and all I've done is waste it. Waste it on tides that never come back in and electricity that's drowning beneath the surface.
27.3.14
"then either a 100 or 300"
You put your hands around me and I thought we could make it.
The stars and the moon and my bones and the little boy sitting third row at his first baseball game,
they thought we could make it.
You cupped my face in your hands and I wanted to make it.
I'm standing at the finish line to a relay I ran alone. The refs are trying to explain I didn't win and I didn't follow the rules but I can't understand them because the broken glass coming out just sounds like a doorbell ringing through an empty house, or a kickball going left, going out of bounds.
I didn't mean to end up sprinting solo. Never in those late practice chats did I think about a far off finish, or how hard that might be on you.
I thought that we could make it.
17.3.14
200 N St, Salt Lake City
People are dying today. I'm dressed up because there's a mother saying goodbye right now. There's a daughter saying goodbye right now. There's a best friend saying goodbye right now.
People are crying goodbye right now.
Ropes are collapsing right now. Pills are suffocating lives right now. IV's are running low, right now.
Eyes are covering the earth while they trace the tiles they never want to remember. Rubik's cubes are spinning in endless combinations but the sides just don't match up and it might be too late if they take another wrong spin.
I hope you never watch the white walls and blink back tears because too many triggers happen in the school hallways on his birthday. We're told to celebrate the lives they lived cause they did nothing but give.
and give and give and give and look where God put them. Under the ground to sit with their calcium and the worms they ran away from on rainy days
I wonder what the light feels like, when it's more than the edge of the door letting it through. I wonder, but I hope I never find out.
Hands are holding goodbye right now. They're lacing their fingers back and forth, back and forth, hoping they can catch death on it's way out. Hoping they can convince him he's mixed up the years, he's wrong about the time, there's still sand dropping in the clock.
Do you think death feels the pain in his chest? Like sharp lungs running on icy days. Maybe he cares about each individual drop of memories we let fall from our eyes because that's all sorrow is anyway: memories that can't be made new. Maybe he feels indifferent but I like to believe it's hard on him to watch small eyes and small hands wonder why uncle is giving them extra piggy backs and mommy won't read them a bedtime story.
Lives are living goodbye right now. and then, they're not.
People are crying goodbye right now.
Ropes are collapsing right now. Pills are suffocating lives right now. IV's are running low, right now.
Eyes are covering the earth while they trace the tiles they never want to remember. Rubik's cubes are spinning in endless combinations but the sides just don't match up and it might be too late if they take another wrong spin.
I hope you never watch the white walls and blink back tears because too many triggers happen in the school hallways on his birthday. We're told to celebrate the lives they lived cause they did nothing but give.
and give and give and give and look where God put them. Under the ground to sit with their calcium and the worms they ran away from on rainy days
I wonder what the light feels like, when it's more than the edge of the door letting it through. I wonder, but I hope I never find out.
Hands are holding goodbye right now. They're lacing their fingers back and forth, back and forth, hoping they can catch death on it's way out. Hoping they can convince him he's mixed up the years, he's wrong about the time, there's still sand dropping in the clock.
Do you think death feels the pain in his chest? Like sharp lungs running on icy days. Maybe he cares about each individual drop of memories we let fall from our eyes because that's all sorrow is anyway: memories that can't be made new. Maybe he feels indifferent but I like to believe it's hard on him to watch small eyes and small hands wonder why uncle is giving them extra piggy backs and mommy won't read them a bedtime story.
Lives are living goodbye right now. and then, they're not.
12.3.14
"that sounds unreal i love italian sodas!'
This blog is for you, because I like to write about you best.
You reminded me I feel things, that I have bones that ache and quake and a spine that shivers at your touch.
You reminded me the depth of misunderstanding and the pit of long lost feelings.
You taught me what longing and let downs do in a tight rope conversation.
You know exactly how to show someone that toes and elbow and the back of your knees can feel charcoal smiles and wide open wounds.
Maybe I'm just being dramatic. Maybe I don't care how I sound anymore. You were the best thing that's happened to me since I stepped foot on Lone Peak's campus. You've pulled me out of a lot of dark times and dark things, some you still don't know about. You taught me what the sun and real grass can do for a faltering heart. How stammering and murmuring in your knees just means you're growing. You taught me not to hesitate my confidence or care if someone else cuts me off in traffic. You taught me. You taught me everything and life.
Maybe God gave me you as a teacher because he knew I'd listen.
You reminded me I feel things, that I have bones that ache and quake and a spine that shivers at your touch.
You reminded me the depth of misunderstanding and the pit of long lost feelings.
You taught me what longing and let downs do in a tight rope conversation.
You know exactly how to show someone that toes and elbow and the back of your knees can feel charcoal smiles and wide open wounds.
Maybe I'm just being dramatic. Maybe I don't care how I sound anymore. You were the best thing that's happened to me since I stepped foot on Lone Peak's campus. You've pulled me out of a lot of dark times and dark things, some you still don't know about. You taught me what the sun and real grass can do for a faltering heart. How stammering and murmuring in your knees just means you're growing. You taught me not to hesitate my confidence or care if someone else cuts me off in traffic. You taught me. You taught me everything and life.
Maybe God gave me you as a teacher because he knew I'd listen.
7.3.14
"maybe like 35-40 min!"
We could dance around this tabletop all night but you're afraid of the inevitable and I'm afraid of the words your eyes forget to say. There's a life outside this school hallway but I've forgotten it for the moment because you look so. damn. good today. I'm tracing your footsteps with my senses but I don't think I'll ever capture on film the gloss in your wake.
It makes me wish everyone were around to experience the first night I had you alone. You sang without a care, at the piano you've never known how to play. The laughter covered the lyrics in the sweetest disguise and I've been searching for your song hoping I'm only deaf in denial.
That. red. shirt. Can you even see my knees shaking? Is that a mere illusion my brain has punished me with because I still don't know how to ask you to come to the game?
I'm crossing the border and you're anxiously telling me all the things I'll need to know to get me through the week but I'll be back in ten minutes because you get me through the week.
and my mother will tell me I'm spending too much time on an electronic device but she's wrong. Because it's not the screen I'm attached to it's the other end. It's the voice that comes through this miracle technology has given me. I think when we were angels in heaven I begged to live when I would never have to go long without seeing you. And God clearly listened because he knew you were too good to be under appreciated.
I'm afraid I've crossed the border for too long and you've fallen asleep at the wheel. I'm afraid the miracle in my hand is only good for when you agree there's too much distance. I'm afraid there's a fork in the road and we took it separate days. I'm afraid two roads diverged and they won't cross again soon.
You left the hallway a glorified memory, I'm afraid that's all you'll ever do for me.
It makes me wish everyone were around to experience the first night I had you alone. You sang without a care, at the piano you've never known how to play. The laughter covered the lyrics in the sweetest disguise and I've been searching for your song hoping I'm only deaf in denial.
That. red. shirt. Can you even see my knees shaking? Is that a mere illusion my brain has punished me with because I still don't know how to ask you to come to the game?
I'm crossing the border and you're anxiously telling me all the things I'll need to know to get me through the week but I'll be back in ten minutes because you get me through the week.
and my mother will tell me I'm spending too much time on an electronic device but she's wrong. Because it's not the screen I'm attached to it's the other end. It's the voice that comes through this miracle technology has given me. I think when we were angels in heaven I begged to live when I would never have to go long without seeing you. And God clearly listened because he knew you were too good to be under appreciated.
I'm afraid I've crossed the border for too long and you've fallen asleep at the wheel. I'm afraid the miracle in my hand is only good for when you agree there's too much distance. I'm afraid there's a fork in the road and we took it separate days. I'm afraid two roads diverged and they won't cross again soon.
You left the hallway a glorified memory, I'm afraid that's all you'll ever do for me.
4.3.14
To Sarah Brown. (I always thought you had the softest brown hair.)
I never understood the life you were living. I was just a kid and you were just a troubled rebel who always smelled wrong. I wasn't allowed in your room because you were angry and would probably swear at me. But now I've realized
you lost it all.
He took the love and the understanding and the communication straight out of your home and left you with half of a half of a mother. She did you no wrong but she never could quite do you right and you still had to live to see tomorrow. I thought you chose to be the all-black stand away but you were begging to be the all-surrounded cured.
You had it leap from your heart to the cold basement that you knew life wasn't fair. It wasn't fair. Why did your father have to go when your mother was barely high functioning? Why did the Destiny's Child CD and the American Girl Dolls turn from a childhood to a bitter pile in the corner of a pink room that is far too ready for a happy girl to come home with a happy smile to happy parents with happy problems.Nothing about the current you were caught in seemed happy, and I thought you chose that. I'm sorry I never held your hand or told you how much it meant that you let me use your endless CD's. I'm sorry I sat on the concrete floor and played with your ferrets alone and ran quickly upstairs when you came out of your room.
I was just a kid. I didn't know.
25.2.14
"it was way fun!"
"When something is good why would you change it?"
Like us? My mind is screaming but I don't want to ruin this moment. You've left the words to hang a little too long and we both realize the untold truth. Subject change and we're content. We're back to normal and you're laughing and I'm laughing and we're sharing a spoon because we're allowed to do that. And I'm trying to inch in without you noticing and you just pout "you know we can't do that" your eyes dance across the words and the fire in my skin chills. "I know" my heart saunters back to it's cage and let's you lock the door.
How can you sit there in this sun filled room and tell me you don't feel anything? You don't want anything? Every conversation leads to another and suddenly the time is past and I haven't asked you about your sister or your games and I don't know if there will be another afternoon to ask.
"when something is good why would you change it?" You said it yourself. Was I never your definition of good?
Like us? My mind is screaming but I don't want to ruin this moment. You've left the words to hang a little too long and we both realize the untold truth. Subject change and we're content. We're back to normal and you're laughing and I'm laughing and we're sharing a spoon because we're allowed to do that. And I'm trying to inch in without you noticing and you just pout "you know we can't do that" your eyes dance across the words and the fire in my skin chills. "I know" my heart saunters back to it's cage and let's you lock the door.
How can you sit there in this sun filled room and tell me you don't feel anything? You don't want anything? Every conversation leads to another and suddenly the time is past and I haven't asked you about your sister or your games and I don't know if there will be another afternoon to ask.
"when something is good why would you change it?" You said it yourself. Was I never your definition of good?
21.2.14
Different: Probably How She Feels.
"STOP CALLING ME.
I don't think you realize I'm moving on, and you're just making it awkward.
All these cliche love plots your using to land me on your doorstep are far from working.
I had a kick ass date last week and neither of the TWO dates you asked me on in our 10 MONTHS together could get close enough to clap for it.
He treats me well. Not that you were abusive, you just forgot that we had plans this weekend, a lot of times. (No it's fine, video games are much better than me anyways, right?)
We don't pass in the halls anymore. I have to go out of my way to see you and I just don't feel like it.
All of my friends are telling me to stop giving you the time of day.
I'm not following you on twitter and you keep asking if I saw your tweets. I don't care if they're funny, I don't want to see them.
When was the last time you really wanted to hang out before you were dumped? You didn't."
Some of it's lies and some of it's truth. I always wanted to see you but I guess I could have taken the time to take you out more. I don't want you to move on. I keep calling hoping it'll keep me on your mind long enough to forget you were trying to forget me. Maybe that's stupid too.Another cliche plot? I. Don't. Care.
I don't think you realize I'm moving on, and you're just making it awkward.
All these cliche love plots your using to land me on your doorstep are far from working.
I had a kick ass date last week and neither of the TWO dates you asked me on in our 10 MONTHS together could get close enough to clap for it.
He treats me well. Not that you were abusive, you just forgot that we had plans this weekend, a lot of times. (No it's fine, video games are much better than me anyways, right?)
We don't pass in the halls anymore. I have to go out of my way to see you and I just don't feel like it.
All of my friends are telling me to stop giving you the time of day.
I'm not following you on twitter and you keep asking if I saw your tweets. I don't care if they're funny, I don't want to see them.
When was the last time you really wanted to hang out before you were dumped? You didn't."
Some of it's lies and some of it's truth. I always wanted to see you but I guess I could have taken the time to take you out more. I don't want you to move on. I keep calling hoping it'll keep me on your mind long enough to forget you were trying to forget me. Maybe that's stupid too.Another cliche plot? I. Don't. Care.
Maybe this is how you feel, and maybe I'm wrong, but it sure doesn't feel like it.
18.2.14
"so hes with me to is that ok?"
You can kill anything really.
Spiders.
Fish.
Car engines.
Dreams.
I broke my foot once. That's like killing the bones, right? Or killing the space that held the bones. Killing the bonds?
Chemistry probably has a lot of killing too
"No Peter matter is always conserved. It can't just disappear into thin air." Thanks Wentz. I'll fix my theories.
When it comes down to it you can kill anything.
deer
confidence
Zits
Hopes. (Ask my ex about that one)
paper (fire)
fire
water (heat)
Rock Paper scissors is a vicious cycle of things fighting to live and living to kill.
You can kill anything really. So why did you pick me?
Spiders.
Fish.
Car engines.
Dreams.
I broke my foot once. That's like killing the bones, right? Or killing the space that held the bones. Killing the bonds?
Chemistry probably has a lot of killing too
"No Peter matter is always conserved. It can't just disappear into thin air." Thanks Wentz. I'll fix my theories.
When it comes down to it you can kill anything.
deer
confidence
Zits
Hopes. (Ask my ex about that one)
paper (fire)
fire
water (heat)
Rock Paper scissors is a vicious cycle of things fighting to live and living to kill.
You can kill anything really. So why did you pick me?
15.2.14
"nah i didn't want to go to pg!"
It's midnight on Valentines and I'm driving my gas tank dry.
I can't stand the thought of going home without you in my life, tonight. I called to say I love you and I hung up before the consequences. In a way I think that makes me a coward, but I also think it makes me courage. You never called back, so I drove into the horizon, hoping you would.
"I Love You, Don't say anything, I just had to tell you so I could fall asleep tonight." Therapeutic almost. I'll admit I had teary eyes. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, maybe I don't know a thing about where I should have gone to buy you flowers and what reservations would sweep you off your feet, but I know a good thing when I've lost it. I know the center pieces to every puzzle of me.
The phone call went 'so well' that I gave up throwing pebbles at your window. I think your parents have caught us sneaking out enough to know it's a bad idea.
I can't stand the thought of going home without you in my life, tonight. I called to say I love you and I hung up before the consequences. In a way I think that makes me a coward, but I also think it makes me courage. You never called back, so I drove into the horizon, hoping you would.
"I Love You, Don't say anything, I just had to tell you so I could fall asleep tonight." Therapeutic almost. I'll admit I had teary eyes. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, maybe I don't know a thing about where I should have gone to buy you flowers and what reservations would sweep you off your feet, but I know a good thing when I've lost it. I know the center pieces to every puzzle of me.
The phone call went 'so well' that I gave up throwing pebbles at your window. I think your parents have caught us sneaking out enough to know it's a bad idea.
But if it would win you back I wouldn't run away from the consequences.
12.2.14
"i just found out it was assembly schedule"
You expect too much of me. You think I have found love and here I will tell you the secret ingredient. but the truth is, I've lost love, and I never got a copy of the recipe.
Love is just the way I think I feel when I look at you.
Love is what I think I feel when you smile at my terrible jokes
I thought love was when I kissed you on the forehead and you dug further into my chest.
When I drove your car because you were scared of icy roads.
I thought it was going on that double with your stupid, trashy friends because it was important to you.
I guess I was scared because I think I meant it, but I'm not sure you did. and I thought you did. But you tossed it around like a dog does a bark. a ball in the park. stars in the dark.
and maybe i have it all backwards. Maybe when you find it, you're supposed to give it away. So everyone can know. So everyone can feel. But for me that was nails on a chalkboard. Married in the singles ward. Going into battle without a sword. A contestant who never wins awards. Sitting in English, BORED.
Maybe I wasn't ready to give it, or maybe I wasn't ready to buy into a useless lottery ticket. But I did. And it wrecked me like Miley on her ball. small spaces and being tall. leaves in the fall. waiting all night for no call.
I thought you felt it when we danced atop the asphalt in front of Zach's house, because neither of us were ready to leave each other for the night. I thought I felt it too.
I thought a lot of things about love, but I guess they were wrong, like 2 + 2 is three. Money grows on trees, BYUI let's you show your knees,Wrong like 'y' comes after 'z', and what I thought you thought of me.
Love is just the way I think I feel when I look at you.
Love is what I think I feel when you smile at my terrible jokes
I thought love was when I kissed you on the forehead and you dug further into my chest.
When I drove your car because you were scared of icy roads.
I thought it was going on that double with your stupid, trashy friends because it was important to you.
Or when I let you keep my sweatshirt for months, even though I only have two good ones.
I thought love was learning that song on the piano, because it was your favorite and you, for some reason, begged to hear me sing.
I thought love was learning that song on the piano, because it was your favorite and you, for some reason, begged to hear me sing.
I guess I was scared because I think I meant it, but I'm not sure you did. and I thought you did. But you tossed it around like a dog does a bark. a ball in the park. stars in the dark.
and maybe i have it all backwards. Maybe when you find it, you're supposed to give it away. So everyone can know. So everyone can feel. But for me that was nails on a chalkboard. Married in the singles ward. Going into battle without a sword. A contestant who never wins awards. Sitting in English, BORED.
Maybe I wasn't ready to give it, or maybe I wasn't ready to buy into a useless lottery ticket. But I did. And it wrecked me like Miley on her ball. small spaces and being tall. leaves in the fall. waiting all night for no call.
I thought you felt it when we danced atop the asphalt in front of Zach's house, because neither of us were ready to leave each other for the night. I thought I felt it too.
I thought a lot of things about love, but I guess they were wrong, like 2 + 2 is three. Money grows on trees, BYUI let's you show your knees,Wrong like 'y' comes after 'z', and what I thought you thought of me.
8.2.14
"if I sleep now I won't sleep all night"
I've gotten in the habit of bashing you lately. and I'm sorry.
I just don't understand your reasoning sometimes and I'd like the world to agree with me.
When a break-up happens, everyone baby's the girl "Oh are you okay?" "How's it going?" "I'm so sorry"- I don't want you to be more of a victim because I'm poisoning the atmosphere surrounding your name. I'm sorry I have nothing nice to say. I'm sorry, I don't know when I will. I'm sorry I let my temper get the best of me more than once in conversation.
An y'know? The more I trash it the more there isn't any room to come back. and
I want you to come back.
I don't want anyone to think less of the orchestra that is your heart. I don't want my side stories spiraled with hate to ruin your allure. If this was Hollywood I'd have you black listed and I'd regret but there'd be no mend for the mess. Good thing this is just high school. Good thing no one's made a black list twitter account yet.
When we were little it didn't happen like this.
Simplicity reigned. If someone was taking up too much room on the trampoline we'd both leave with clenched fists and crunched faces. But we'd realize quickly it was no fun to be alone. We'd all at once apologize. We'd go right back to the tramp and begin cracking the egg.
Missions and college and the social ladder didn't have any affect on relationships.
And they didn't get in the way of friendships either.
So I don't know why they have to now.
5.2.14
"5:12 is definietly afternoon!"
"no its all ok don't even worry about it." Are you mocking the only thing I know how to say to you?
You don't know I had an anxiety attack in third today, and you don't know I avoided you after school in fear of another.You don't even know that I started having anxiety attacks. But I wish you did.
You didn't tell me the gigantic news you've been accepted (with scholarship) out of state and you didn't care to tell me you were moving. You didn't even tell me goodbye. But I wish you did.
We haven't spoken face to face for five days, and we haven't smiled together for longer. And that may not seem like a big deal to you, But I wish we had.
But you're not a Genie, and I'm not Aladdin. And laughter is a stupid thing to wish for when you can have anything in the world. Right?
I'm beginning to fall into a rut where I just don't care anymore. I'd like to blame senioritis,but I know your absence is fraying my last motivations.
I've got a rambling brain and a painfully mute mouth.
I've got chapters of our story to fill in but it's a collaboration and you're keeping your pages secret.
and I've got a headache because calculus is all about understanding the concept, but you're only giving me a conclusion and you refuse to expand. Mr. Smith keeps drilling it's important but how can it be important if I'm never going to use it in life?
I've got a lost puzzle piece of a soul and someone took the picture I'm trying to fit into away.
I've got bruises and incisions on the inside of my attitude.
and I've got coffee on my breath because bad habits seem to push you off my mind best.
"no its all ok don't even worry about it."
3.2.14
Human Tendencies
His eyes are animated as he leans in to whisper. He brushes her loose curls softly behind the ear. Her eyes find the ground, embarrassed, and she shivers, like she always does. I don't have to hear what he says to know, I've heard all the headlines. He'd like to take her to the dock, or to the balcony or out on the rowboat. "Works every time," He'd said in the locker room "Anyone is free to borrow my stock in genius, as long as they aren't chasing the same piece of tail." God he makes me
sick.
She nods up and down, then shivers again because she's nervous. Being nervous has caused shivers since the 8th grade.
I look around, music blaring, everywhere is filled with teenagers acting like fools for each others attention. No one seems to notice the two treading away.
I know that I have to stop her. I also know I wasn't supposed to be invited, much less tell the host he can't touch my lab partner.
Come on Peter, be a knight in shining armor. Don't girls go crazy for that stuff?
Great, he's giving her his jacket. I know girls go crazy for that stuff.
Time is taking it's final breaths as I stutter on the sidelines.
She has to know that all the stories are true. That all the games are reruns with the same rules and he always wins. The dock is just another level, another dice roll, another slick move.
Before I can carve the cement from my feet the pawn and the king have closed out of my sight.
I could have saved her from the heartache I would later watch fracture her soul. I could have stopped the writing. She didn't have to own such heavy pain. But I let her. And I blame my selfish human tendencies.
27.1.14
Truth Be Told, I Miss You
(and Truth be told I ain't lying. When you see my face hope it gives you ... sorry)
"Tell me my hair looks fine
"it does"
Tell me I look good in these pants
"you do"
What do you think of this outfit?
"I think you look great in everything"
Don't be stupid, really does this look fine?
"I'm telling you the truth."
I've never told you anything but the truth, you know that.
So don't yell at me when you ask "is it fine to take a break?" and I tell the truth.
No I'm not fine with an empty chair at family game night. I'm not fine playing Scrabble alone.
No I'm not fine giving my jersey to my sister because no one else wants to wear it.
No I'm not fine looking for our hidden nickels at Kneaders alone.
No I'm not fine when I can't use the word 'adventure' and no one understands why.
No I'm not fine when you say "we'll see if things work out" or "Sorry, I've got a date tonight"
I don't want his grubby, unworthy hands anywhere near your delicate waist.
And I don't want your arm wrapped around his waste either.
I'm only telling you the truth, you once told me you liked that.
"Tell me my hair looks fine
"it does"
Tell me I look good in these pants
"you do"
What do you think of this outfit?
"I think you look great in everything"
Don't be stupid, really does this look fine?
"I'm telling you the truth."
I've never told you anything but the truth, you know that.
So don't yell at me when you ask "is it fine to take a break?" and I tell the truth.
No I'm not fine with an empty chair at family game night. I'm not fine playing Scrabble alone.
No I'm not fine giving my jersey to my sister because no one else wants to wear it.
No I'm not fine looking for our hidden nickels at Kneaders alone.
No I'm not fine when I can't use the word 'adventure' and no one understands why.
No I'm not fine when you say "we'll see if things work out" or "Sorry, I've got a date tonight"
I don't want his grubby, unworthy hands anywhere near your delicate waist.
And I don't want your arm wrapped around his waste either.
I'm only telling you the truth, you once told me you liked that.
25.1.14
Mckeller.
Peter Mckeller? Yeah that'll make her swoon.
I tried to find abandoned in a different language. but Google failed me.
forlatt. nilar. verlate. <------------------ Those are
worse than Mckeller.
worse than Mckeller.
Abandoned because that's how I feel.
Abandoned Because that's what you did to me.
And maybe this blog will win you back.
But maybe it won't.
Maybe if I write a thousand sappy poems, and tell you how your eyes twinkle when you stand before a crowd and your brows furrow when you take a test, then you'll remember that my eyes twinkle when I see YOU and my brows furrow when you explain to me for the 5th time why this 'just couldn't work.'
So who cares if there's not time or if the money ran dry
or if that even sounded poetic.
Here I am.
And at least I'm trying.
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